While I’m entirely here for the expanding culture on mental health and self-care, I couldn’t help but feel isolated in my own journey. Every Insta girl who did her daily yoga practice seemed so… happy and remarkably secure, while I just felt self-conscious and anxious.
Surely, I’m not the only one who finds the self-love endeavor at best- tiresome, and at worst- well, remember skinning your knee on the cement as a kid? PAINFUL.
Self-love is a marathon, not a sprint, and here’s why:
1. Spending so much time “loving” your flaws can make them feel even more present
As a recovering perfectionist, the continual focus on appreciating my imperfections didn’t help in achieving self-acceptance- instead, it accelerated self-loathing. My flaws became a dark cloud that loomed above my head, constantly reminding me not only of their presence but my lack of self-enlightenment to embrace them.
What actually helped was viewing my flaws in relation to the bigger picture of life. Being human inherently means being imperfect, and that’s what makes life fun.
I can’t speak for everyone, but whenever I meet someone who seems nearly “flawless,” I usually just think one thing:
How boring.
Life is meant to be messy sometimes. I can’t specifically recall a single night I ate one slice of gluten-free pizza, turned down the dessert tray, and tucked myself into bed at 9 pm. But I certainly do remember the night I drunkenly demolished three slices of “meat-lovers delite” (yes, that’s how you spell it), ran into my ex with a meaty tomato stain on my chin, and passed out with my YSL stilettos still on. No matter how badly we fantasize about being perfect- it’s ultimately a blessing we aren’t.
2. Society will always come up with new ways to make you feel not enough
Especially women.
When I was little, I tagged along to the local mall with my mother while she shopped, and my young eyes would marvel at the Victoria Secret window displays. The half-naked models had sky-high legs and doll-like waists that would haunt me later on because I didn’t measure up to said “angels.”
I spent ages 16–22 yo-yo dieting. The juicing diet, the flat abs diet, the no-fat diet, all done in vain to squeeze my body into a smaller dress size. I didn’t know why I needed to fit into that size; all I knew was that I was hangry.
When I was 23, the keto diet finally gave me my desired stomach. One day, I peered into my shiny full-length mirror, and you know what I thought?
“Oh my god, what the hell is going on with my thighs?”
The point is, it will never be enough (and also, I need to practice some self-kindness.) No one on earth can have a Kardashian body, a funny sense of humor, and a booming career. If someone says they do, then they are either lying or storing bodies in their basement. I’m not calling anyone out; I’m freeing us all of thinking it’s attainable.
So, how can we win over society’s impossible, ever-changing beauty standards? Simply, we must stop competing for the “the hottest woman” award and start appreciating ourselves as perfectly imperfect. Besides, Helen of Troy already won that award, and look how that ended.
3. Trends are continually emerging about what a “healthy” lifestyle entails
The supplements! The ginger shots! The cryotherapy chambers!
I just want an effing refund.
Every few months, the “experts” announce the new groundbreaking research that: carbs are bad! No, wait: they are good! Now: running is the best exercise! No, actually: running too often is bad for your joints!
I’m exhausting writing that, you’re exhausted reading it, and we’re certainly all exhausted living it. ENOUGH.
Now I listen to what my body tells me it needs instead of what someone in a white lab coat convinces me to want. It’s life-changing. When I was keto, I was beyond miserable even though every online article promised endless energy, elevated moods, and suppressed appetite. However, if I were faced with the opportunity to solve world peace or eat cacio e pepe, 100% I would have hesitated.
Internally, we all know what is building us up or dragging us down. Whether it’s a cleaner diet, an earlier bedtime, a weekly Pilates class, or an occasional happy hour drink, free yourself from what others insist is “healthiest,” and go on living your best damn life.
4. The path to self-acceptance looks different for everyone
I’m an avid reader, particularly in the self-help genre. In my early 20’s, I was obsessed with unlocking the secret to self-love. I tore through countless books in hopes of copying the authors’ method to finally possess the elusive “inner peace.”
It didn’t work out, but you already knew that.
While reading these insightful books was educational and uplifting, there wasn’t a single one which gave me the exact instructions I needed for my own quest. It took years of (tedious) trial and error to figure out what works best for me. To one person, not binge eating when you’re stressed is growth. To another, letting loose by eating something not on your diet, is growth. To person A, sticking up for themselves is a win. To person B, not engaging in a meaningless argument is a win. You catch my drift.
We can learn from each other, but unfortunately, we can’t replicate anyone’s exact journey. That shit happens solo dolo.
5. People will gaslight you into thinking self-love is unwavering
While the self-love community is terrific, there is still this strange judgment surrounding one’s inability to accept themselves completely, which inherently defeats the entire purpose.
The judgment surrounding self-doubt causes shame, which in turn just facilitates more of it! The raw truth is, we will all stumble with self-image and self-acceptance because, as previously mentioned, none of us are perfect. Therefore, we will continually be confronted with circumstances that expose our insecurities! If we think otherwise, then our ego is in control.
Self-esteem is like your hot friend who is around when you have a fun party to go to- and life is going great. But when your teary eyes turn to self-esteem for help after your boyfriend dumps you out of nowhere, she’s suddenly MIA. Her much quieter but more dependable sister, self-compassion, is what we truly need when the going gets tough.
Self-compassion is consoling yourself for trying your best. Ego is screaming at yourself; you should have done better/ known better/ been better. Self-compassion is quickly forgiving yourself like you would a dear friend. Ego is relentlessly scolding yourself for messing up.
If I denied feeling self-conscious about a bad joke I told, then I couldn’t remind myself it’s innate to not always say the right thing. When we suppress our self-love setbacks, we consequently rob ourselves of the opportunity to grow.
Self-love won’t happen overnight; more likely, it will be something we all work at our entire lives. But it’s a lot like gardening- if you put in the work every day, eventually, the seeds you planted will blossom into something beautiful. It takes commitment, resilience, and self-discipline to water yourself but it’s worth the effort; because in this life, we all deserve not just to survive but to flourish.
